My Angel

I have an angel,
I don't know her name.
But i know she was sent here to help me,
to save me from myself.  ¶ 1:20 PM

  Friends

Friends are supposed to be there for you,
Friends are supposed to care.
Friends are supposed to help you out,
To make you smile when you're feeling down.
Friends are supposed to pick you up when you fall down,
They are supposed to tell you their biggest secrets.
I have plenty of friends,
But why can't they do any of that?  ¶ 1:20 PM

  Friend
You are such a good friend,
one that cares about me,
tells me not to cut,
tries to help me even when I'm a cow.
You don't have to help me out like you have,
You could just give up on me,
but you promised that you wouldn't,
and that i believe.
Thanks for being my friend.  ¶ 1:19 PM

  I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for being so arkward,
and for not doing as I'm told.
I know I'm not an easy person to help,
but you managed to help me out alot,
when I most needed help.
You were patient with me,
When I was being so arkward.
But i think your patience has paid off,
and there's proof of that.
And that proof is that I'm still here writing this,
and I'm still alive,
So I'm sorry for everything,
But I'll always be grateful,
So thank you.  ¶ 11:43 AM

  Thank you

Thank you for helping me out,
when i was in a bad place.
Thank you for telling me not to hurt myself,
and for making me get help.
Thanks for taking me serious,
when no one else would.
Thank you for listening to me,
when i couldn't talk to anyone else,
and for trying your best to help me,
and for making me get help.
Thank you for telling my mother,
when I was too ashamed and scared.
And thank you for helping me to stay alive,
when all i wanted to do was end it all.
Thank you for saving my life,
and helping me not to give up.  ¶ 11:39 AM

  Thank you

Thank you for helping me out,
With all my work.
Thanks for putting in the time,
To help me try to get it right,
For trying to help me pass.
I failed because of myself,
Not because of you.
I failed because of all my problems,
that i couldn't sort by myself.
Thank you for telling on me that day,
because if you hadn't, I wouldn't be here now.
Thank you for putting up with me,
when i was being arkward.
Thanks for everything you've ever done for me,
including helping me gain more confidence,
but there's far too many more to name.
I'm sorry that you're leaving,
but never forget how many people you've helped out,
and how much you are liked.
Never forget us, always remember us,
and always follow your dreams,
because it's because of you I'm going to try my best to follow mine.
Good bye and Good Luck.  ¶ 11:36 AM

  What's the point?

What's the point in living like this?
In constant fear and pain.
What's the point in hanging on?
To just have another day like this.
But what's the point in giving up?
And causing others so much hurt and pain.
What's the point in giving up?
Because you never know what can happen,
And how soon things can get better.  ¶ 11:36 AM

  Sorry

I'm sorry I hurt you so badly,
I'm sorry I made you so mad,
I'm sorry I ever made you so sad.
I hope I didn't upset you too much,
I hope I didn't make you cry,
And I hope I didn't make you angry.  ¶ 11:35 AM

  What's the point?

What's the point in living like this?
In constant fear and pain.
What's the point in hanging on?
To just have another day like this.
But what's the point in giving up?
And causing others so much hurt and pain.
What's the point in giving up?
Because you never know what can happen,
And how soon things can get better.  ¶ 8:57 AM

  Gossip

Why do people gossip?
when they know it causes so much pain?
why do people talk about others?
and make them feel so bad?
why do they spread all the lies?
just to hurt someone else?
its just so selfish and hurtful,
and i hate all the lies and deceit.
its alway denied after,
even when you know its them.
whats the point in gossip?
is it just to hurt?  ¶ 8:52 AM

  Man, ive made such a huge mistake. I threw out my razors the other night so that i couldn't cut anymore. I just couldn't take it anymore earlier, i needed to cut and i couldn't find anything sharp in my bedroom, it was driving me mad, i couldn't handle it all, so i burnt myself instead. I hate myself for it. It's been a week today that i last cut and now i've gone and burnt myself and i bit my arm. Why did i go and do that? I'm so stupid, and worst of all i've gone and contradicted myself by talking someone else out of cutting herself, then going and burning myself the next minute, and now i've hurt her and i am so sorry for it. I wish i could take it back but i can't and it's tearing me up inside. Burning myself was surely better than taking an overdose like I wanted to at first. I don't know anymore, I really don't. I give up now. I've had it with my life.  ¶ 3:11 PM

  I'm Sorry

I'm sorry that I didn't believe you,
but it was just that you were way too normal.
Too normal to be ill,
too normal to be dying.
You just didn't seem ill to me.
I'm sorry I caused you all that hurt and pain,
in your last few months.
But please know that i didn't know,
I didn't understand.
If only I'd listened and believed you,
Instead of putting you through all that hell.
You deserved better than that.
It's too late for me to change it all now,
but please know that i'm sorry.
And i hope you can forgive me,
now that you know my reasons.  ¶ 1:39 PM

  Gone

I know you've gone and left me,
people say it was for the best.
I don't know where you've gone,
but I know you're never coming back.
People say you're in a better place now,
where you can have a new life,
filled with happiness and no more pain.
No more pain, no more tears.
I still can't believe you're gone,
I need you here with me.
To help me through all the tough times
to see that i get through alive.
But there's nothing I can ever do,
that can bring you back.
But please always know how much i love you,
and how much you are missed.
Please dont ever forget me,
Because i'll never ever forget you.
  ¶ 1:35 PM

  Snow

Snow on the rooftops,
snow on the ground.
Snow on all of the cars,
and snow on the mountaintops.
Can you tell it's December?
Christmas is almost here!


Don't you cry

Baby, please don't cry,
I've gone to a better place.
A new life full of joy and happiness,
and no more sorrow and pain.
So baby know that I still love you,
I always have and I always will.
So please baby, don't you cry.  ¶ 1:30 PM

  Well, I finally did it. I made the biggest step of my life so far. Sounds like alot doesn't it, well it may not seem like alot when i tell you what it is, but it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do. I threw out my razors. All of them. I'm determined to stop cutting now. I've got to. it's not exactly doing me any good is it? i may think it's good for me but deep down I know how bad what i'm doing is. Every cut i make brings alot of guilt because what i'm doing to myself isn't a natural way of coping, and it isn't a normal way of coping, and it's hurting me and it's causing too many questions now. I've had enough of all my scars, of all the questions that get asked, and of all the pain i'm causing myself.

It's going to be realy cool tonight, going to bed wanting to cut but knowing that I can't because i have no razors. I'm usually too scared to go to bed, in case i cut, hence me going to bed really late most nights. But, no more of that. I don't have to be scared anymore.
  ¶ 1:27 PM

  Mommy, I'm Sorry

Mommy, I'm so sorry,
I had to end it all.
I wasn't trying to be selfish,
I didn't mean anyone pain.
I didn't mean to hurt you,
Or anyone else.
I just wanted to end all the pain.
Mommy, if you only knew how bad I was hurting,
You would see I wasn''t being selfish.
But now i can see,
all the hurt and pain I''ve caused.
If only I'd known.
I''m so sorry mommy,
Just know that it's not your fault.  ¶ 12:12 PM

  Why?

How could you have been so selfish,
Didn't you know it was wrong?
How could you leave us to suffer like this,
When you got to take away all your pain?
Why did you have to leave so soon?
You were still too young.
Why did you have to do that,
and put us through all that pain?
What did we do to you that was so wrong?
Were our efforts to keep you alive all in vain?
I can't believe you did that,
I can't believe your gone.
It's too late now to give you a lecture.
Just know that you're missed alot,
and what you did was wrong.  ¶ 12:09 PM

  A Miracle

Green leaves on the tree,
Raindrops on the ground.
Little ole me stuck in the house,
Lying in bed.
Hoping and praying for a miracle,
so i can wake up tomorrow,
and see all this again.  ¶ 12:06 PM

  Christmas

Snow fallling on the ground.
The green pine tree being decorated.
Stockings hung for santa claus,
and food left out for his reindeers.
Presents sitting under the tree,
waiting to be opened bright and early on christmas morning.
Turkey roasting in the oven,
the chocolates half eating.
Just by looking,
Anyone can tell,
Christmas is here!  ¶ 12:03 PM

  Its a hard, difficult thing,
To put them all in the bin.
They're my life line,
my only means of support.
But they can kill me,
and i don't want to die.
So the only solution,
Is to let them go,
to throw them all away.

Well, I decided something today, something that will help change alot of things for me. I just taped up my razors. I need to let go now, I need to start over, and to start getting better. I need my life back, and I am going to get it. I don't yet know how, but i know i can because i've got God with me, and good friends to help me through.

I'm going to throw them all out later on anyway. When everyone goes to bed, so i don't get caught.

  ¶ 11:58 AM

  Cutting

It's not as easy to stop,
as it is to start.
It's an addiction just like any other.
But it's not as often talked about.
It's the same as smoking, drinking alcohol or taking drugs.
But it scars you on the outside aswell as the inside,
which makes it more obvious to others,
Unless you cover yourself up.
Covering ourselves up,
is something all cutters are used to.
But it'd be so much better to stop.
Oh, if only i could stop.
If only it were possible.  ¶ 3:04 PM

  Happiness

Happiness is a nice emotion,
One I don't experience much.
But when i'm happy,
I like to make the most of it,
Because i fear this emotion will never come again.

This sums it up for me really. I'm afraid to be happy sometimes because i know it won't last forever, and i know within a short time i'll be back to the same old depressive state as before.

I haven't been too bad today actually. I haven't needed to cut. I'm really tired now though, i'm going to go to bed when i've finished typing these out.  ¶ 2:59 PM

  Trust

Trust is not just a word,
It's a very important thing in any relationship.
Whether it's friends, family or lovers,
It makes no difference who it is,
It's something that must be kept.
I don't trust alot of people,
But i trusted you.
I trusted you with a deadly secret.
One that's ripping me apart from within,
One that could kill me.
And you broke our trust,
By telling everyone my secret.
My secret that broke me,
The one that may one day kill me.
And now our trust has gone.  ¶ 2:56 PM

  I Told You A Secret.

If i told you a secret, would you promise not to tell?
It's something I want kept private,
something that noone else can know.
You see,I have this problem,
One i cannot shake.
It is an awful secret,
One i cannot tell anyone else.
Promise It'll keep as a secret?
Forever and a day.

  ¶ 2:52 PM

  Where were you?

You expect me to be here for you,
to help you all i can.
But where were you when i needed you most,
when i wanted to throw it all down the pan.
You want me to help you with your problems,
and for anyone else i wouldn't mind.
But you shut me out and ignored me,
When i needed you the most.  ¶ 2:49 PM

  You were always there

You were always there for me
Whenever i needed help.
I will always be here for you,
So i can repay the debt.
You helped me overcome alot of obstacles
and you were always there for me
especially when i was down.
You helped me to learn to smile again
when i didn't think it was possible.
You have always been there for me
When i needed you most.
And I will always be here for you
To give back what you have given me.  ¶ 2:47 PM

  Obstacles

When you come to a mountain, climb it,

Not all at once, but step by step, a bit at a time,

And you will get over it.

When you come to a river, cross it.

There is the easy way or the hard way.

The easy way is to walk through it and get wet,

but the harder way is to build a bridge.

It may be the hardest way,

but the hardest way is always best.

When you come to a hurdle,

Don't just walk around it,

Jump over it.

Anyone can overcome any obstacle if they put their minds to it.

It may be hard, and it may take time, but it's always possible.

  ¶ 2:43 PM

  I'm feeling slightly better again today. I don't need to cut yet today. I think i may have bruised the top of my arm some how, but im not sure how, it's by where i cut but i don't think it's that. I'm so behind with my school work it's unbelievable. I did my Buddhism project last night, so it's one less thing to worry about, but i have an ethics essay due in tomorrow and it's hard lol. i'll do it later.


I'm so bored tonight it's unbeliveable lol. Natalie rang me yesterday aswell lol, we were arguing down the phone, screaming at each other, i still can't believe she ran away from me in town see when i went after her, i only wanted to get the truth out of her like. If she didn't make up a lie as sick as the one she made up then she's sick and she needs help! She lies about so many things and then expects people to believe her, well i don't believe her one bit! Well we were screaming at each other down the phone for almost an hour lol, i wonder how much money that cost her?! It's her own fault anyway! I can't stick her, I can't believe i used to be friends with her. I think she's a compulsive liar, and it gets me so angry and riled up it's unbelievable. See, the whole reason why i started cutting again was partly because of her, and what she told me, and now it looks like a lie, so i started cutting over a lie, over nothing. I'd have gone 2 months without it if it wasn't for her probably, and now i'm back to square one, still struggling to stop. I will get through it alive, and i will stop cutting. I don't know how yet, but i will find a way. I've done it before, so i'll do it again.   ¶ 11:12 AM